Warrior's part 9

Things are going crazy again, because I'm on the very last chapter.

There's a lot of different names and character's to keep track of and I just can't put it all together to explain very well.

But basically there's been more fighting, more conspiracy, more death, it's really draining, it's one bad thing after another for these cats.

What I really want to reflect on the most after reading this book, is all the pictures I made in my head.

How I imagined every single event that took place.

How I imagined the environment and,  all the cat's, and all the events that took place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear reading fantasy novels without pictures in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define having pictures play out in mh head while I read as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to direct myself to stop creating pictures in my head if I ever realized in self honesty the importance to do so for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad that I won't have my friends as the cat's I've imagined in my head while reading.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imagine I have friends in my head.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be self honest and truthful within myself when facing the reality of what I define as friendship and what my real friendship embodies, and why I'd rather imagine having cat friends in my head.

These keystones of facing imagination are the point of this blog, so that's why it's more important to face my relationship to imagination than it is to go into depth story wise in what happened within this book.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating imagination relationship's of friendship within me, as I give myself the opprituinuty to cut through my imagination and see what these friendships really represent for me.

Warrior's part 8

Another cat in the clan died.

It seems like Tigerclaw did it to further incriminate Ravenpaw.

Things are just crazy at ThunderClan.

This over bearing sense of dread, and everything falling apart around ThunderClan, I relate to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear everything around me being out to 'get me'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of people being out to destroy me, even if it were true.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own paranoia.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear people breaking my trust in them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself where my trust is conditional and not real as self trust in relationship to other's.

TigerClaw betrayed the clan, becuase they placed their faith and trust in him, and not themselves.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself placing my faith and trust in other's, as I in this moment of stopping realize that what I'm placing in other's hands is what I'm not giving to my self as self responsability.

Warriors part 7

Ravenpaw is in even more trouble, because Tigerclaw is trying to frame him for betraying the clan even further, and Tigerclaw has much more respect and prestige.

Ravenpaw reveled to Firepaw that Tigerclaw did murder another clan mate, and that's why Tigerclaw is trying to take Ravenpaw out of the picture.

Today though, I was thinking about how much I enjoy imagining the cats and the forest and all of the action and events that occur.

Then I thought about how I might need to stop my imagination, but with reading that's the hardest time to stop imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to emotionally attach myself to the comfort of the pictures and images I've created in my cat book.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living a life without the comfort of imagination.

What's comforting about imagination?

The fun of the stories, and the experience of being in another world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be sad at the idea of letting go of my alternative realities in my mind, where I'm left to have to face the physical alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the physical real reality as boring and drab.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the world of the cat warriros as fun and amazing and interesting, as I realize that it's the state of mind I go into in reaction to alternate realities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with amazement at alternate realities, as I realize this is me giving meaning to alternate realities.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify the alternate realities that occur during reading as special, because deep down, I'd find any way to justify my alternate realities still on a deep hard to reach level.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my alternate realities within my mind on a deep hard to reach level, preventing me from easily addressing in self forgiveness and self honesty, because they are justified on such a deep level that I have a lot of resistance and time and effort to apply myself within.

So, this is what I was hoping to accomplish with my extra blog, my dreams and fantasies and I did it.

So, I just keep this blog going, and certainly will get the the bottom of things eventually.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself jusifying my dreams as fantisies on a deep level, as I realize that it's very hard to adress in self honesty something on such a deep level, and all I can do is stop, breathe, as I normally would, and continue my blog and writting process surrounding this phenomena of dreams and fantisies and all the things that prevent me form acting out what is best for all of life.

Warriors part 6

The fight at Thunderclan's base resulted in the death of the current deputy.

So, a new deputy was announced.

I've had some personal differences with the new deputy Tigerclaw, because I disagree with his behavior and the way he treats and trains his apprentice.

 Tigerclaw can be very aggressive with apprentice and with other's.

He is the one who tried to set Firepaw up to make him leave the camp.

I was conflicted because I understand that Tigerpaw needs to be tough to be a mentor, to be a warrior, to protect and serve his clan, but it always came off as a little arrogant, a little aggressive.

It turns out my gut was right, something is up with Tigerclaw, his apprentice knows something and has hinted that it is possible Tigerclaw let, or may have deliberately murdered a fellow clan mate.

Tigerclaw over heard his apprentice Ravenpaw telling Firepaw about what happened, but cut him short, and since then has been trying to implicate Ravenpaw in actions of which he has not been involved, (He's trying to make it seem like Ravenpaw set the clan up to be attacked by Shadowclan)

A lot of drama going on, but what I have been thinking about lately is what is it like for a cat to relax.

Cat's are always taking naps, and taking it easy, and grooming, they seem so relaxed.

Quite frankly, I want to relax just like my own cat (pudders.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not relax and be at ease at all times, even after spending time writing, investigating, and trying to direct myself to be relaxed and even sedated at times if needed.

 I'm really worked up already, I feel anger rising up in me, when I think about how much time and effort I've put into trying to figure my life out and get to a point where I can relax, and how not far I have come.

But, in my anger, I can see I'm limiting my relaxation to when I have achieved perfection and harmony in my mind and in my life.

I'm not able to direct myself to relax and be sedated and be at ease because within me I will only be relaxed as a cat once my life and mind are perfectly attuned and in balance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not relax and be at ease within my body at all times, because I've defined relaxation as not being the most efficient way of approaching and facing my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to be relaxed as I walk my life and process day in and out because I'm not seeing and realizing what relaxation and being at ease can do to support me in walking my long hours at work, at facing my duties and responsibility at home in writing and chores and school work.

Returning again to the anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not being able to relax after all the time I've put into being relaxed, as I realize without proper self honesty, self forgiveness, and application, the time I've spent and how I've experienced my mind and body speaks for itself, I've been tormenting myself, all my life, and still, why would I be able to relax without facing first my resistance to relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define relaxation as an inhibitor, as I realize that it is my relationship and definition to relaxation as being an inhibitor of action that prevents me from being able to simultaneously be relaxed and comfortable and sedated, yet still focused and able to act in my world where needed.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself defining relaxation as preventing me form being able to function and direct myself within my world, as I realize that relaxation and all the different calm and comfortable expressions available within myself can be supportive, and that relaxation is long over due for me, to the point where my resistance to relaxation is harming my physical expression.

I commit myself to be relaxed, sedated, calm, comfortable, numb, sleeping, until 11:00PM tomorrow, and I will be 10/10 on the chart of relaxation until that time, because relaxation is long over due for me, and I commit myself to do this and enforce this subliminally/unconsciously without direct participation because even having to directly try to relax is stressful, because I'm so resistant to relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist relaxation.

Warrior's part 5

Shadow Clan showed it's true colors, by attacking ThunderClan in the middle of the night.

Some of the cats were also attacked by rats in the previous chapter.

There was also a journey to a special stone that allows for communication with the deceased, through visions.

I'm about two thirds into the book, so this appears to be the climax, a lot is happening and everything that has been building up through the different conflicts brewing has come to fruition.

Many cats have been gravely injured, I think one died, and one lost a life (The leaders of the clans are gifted with 9 lives, which is pretty funny.)

It makes me think about death, and loss, and tragedy.

How I can be working towards my goals in life, and how I can lose everything in death, in how after every hill lies another hill to climb.

It makes me wonder if I can make it or not, if something like some kind of disaster will befall me.

I feel defeated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forced to learn the hard way through falling to my lowest potential, before I realize the strength and inspiration to rise again.

I'm tired of constantly having to face this adversity in my life, I have the money and stature in what is supposed to be the greatest country ever, and I am not happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be deceived into believing that because I was born into money and stature that my life will consist only of petty conflicts, which may be true, but through my relationship to these conflicts accumulating, they have become manifested as my reality, they have become etched into my soul, and have become existential.

I have the money and power to make my life very difficult for myself, and I've succeeded in defeating myself again.

I relate my conflict to the cat's conflicts, because I just imagine, if those clans would just work together, there would be no conflict, that's what  blame in my life, if everyone else would just try to work together, this would all be over in a matter of
years, we would all come to unity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself out of blame of others for not creating the world I would like to see created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself through the creation of conflict in relationship to external points as separation, where in rising above my conflict, I can feel like I'm rising above the points that were triggered and calculated to create the conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being defeated so I can rise again, when this process makes me weaker through conflict and confusion of reality, and I could have simply chose the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to idolize conflict, when the world needs the strength to end conflict through real change, not to overcome conflict through blaming wrong during and suffering on conflict.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating conflicts to be overturned, as I realize this is not a strengthening action, I am creating artificial conflicts through reaction as blame, and as such am fighting my own creation, instead of creating a world that is better than what is here, I'm still spiteful of my burden, yet I've made my burden through my own will.

This is hell to be alive on earth. This cat novel really brings a lot out of me.

Warrior's part 4

Broken star; the leader of another clan spoke at the clan meeting, and made some very hefty demands.

Only 3 of the clans out of 4 of them arrived the meeting, and there is rumor that Broken stars clan wiped them out.

So with Shadow Clan (Broken stars clan) already under scrutiny, his demand and claims become even more essentric.

He wants ThunderClan and River clan to give up hunting territory.

Brokenstar claims that because his clan is stronger to the cold he lost less kits during winter, and as such has more mouths to feed, he offered protection as part of his negotiation.

River clan agreed to his offering, so ThunderClan is preparing for war now.

They suspect windclan was wiped out by ShadowClan and they are preparing to be attacked themselves after the bold demands being made of them to give up huntin grounds.

Basically ShadowClan's demand are just instigating.

I've been in situations where I know what will happen.

Based on how someone is emotionally.

Sometimes you can predict what people will react based on their personality and past behavior.

So my example that I take from this chapter in my own life is when I asked my boss if I could get out early because I had covered an entire shift just the other day, and I knew he would probably say yes, but I also knee that he would not be keen on the idea.

Some things are predictable some things aren't.

I was surprised River clan actually decided to share hunting ground.

That caught me off guard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be caught off guard by things I don't expect.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only be prepared and able to navigate what I expect to happen.

I forgive myself for accepting  and allowing myself to only be comfortable with what I am prepared for as what I feel control over.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react with despair when something catches me off guard.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to need to control situations in my mind.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself being caught off guard, as I realize myself as always going to find unexpected  situations and circumstances, and that in my breathing through these moments can insure my stability and calmness.

Warrior's Part 3

Firepaw and Grewpaw are invited to the monthly meeting of all 4 clans.

It's the one time all the clans can get together and have discussion and tell stories without danger.

It's an opportunity for diplomacy.

What this chapter made me think about is the way we talk about one another at work.

I always feel justified to say whatever I want no matter who it is directed toward.

I just cannot he bothered.

That's fine, for now nothing gets out of hand, nothing has bitten me yet.

Let me take a moment to go off that.

Nothing has bitten me yet, or in recent times.

My tongue has not been so scornful or sour to come back around with any kind of vengeance since I picked writing self forgiveness back up, and gossip was one of the first things I wrote about.

So there's some progress, but let's not get excited.

I find myself justifying whatever I say, because it is in writing that things are addressed, in self forgiveness, and that's true, but I'm giving up the value that could be gained from practicing tactics of self support, fake it till you make it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define moments within my day-to-day as not possessing opportunities for learning, improvement, and self assertiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say whatever I want without fear of consequence because I believe that I will have to face whatever happens in writing and self forgiveness regardless, so what I say hardly matters.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be so obsessed with self forgiveness and self honesty in writing and speaking, that I ignore living and breathing self honesty and self forgiveness through practical supportive actions and decisions, as learning and changing in real time, in unison with writing and speaking self forgiveness.

It speaks for itself really.

Self forgiveness is what I make of it, so if I act like self forgiveness in writing and speaking it once a day in my blogs/writings, is justification of any other action in my world I'd like to partake, I've already been there and I've drugs and been involved with people where I don't know what will happen in relationship to my life and said events and people right now or anywhere down the line.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I've already said things and done things that will potentially have permanent repercussions for me in my life, and that nothing else matters anymore, where this is showing me how I'm creating the system of reality through my own projections of self responsibility.

Like the worse things get the less self responsibility matters, when it begins to matter even more.

Tomorrow I will try to finish this chapter and see how the clan meeting goes in my book and that will help me open this point up more but for now, I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself using my words and tongue willy nilly, as I realize deep down, I know that I must apply myself within all facets of my reality, and my word should not stand as an excuse to be less than what I want to be in life.

Warrior's into the wild: part 2

Firepaw was on a hunting mission to catch prey for his clan.

All the other cats who are apprentices had to go to different locations to hunt for the trial/hunting challenge.

I didn't realize what was going on until Firepaw pointed out in a internal monologue, that the warrior cat who sent them on the training mission, had in fact set Firepaw up, and was trailing him during the entire exercise to see if he could break Firepaw.

He did so by sending Firepaw to hunt near his old twoleg home, he wanted to see if Firepaw still had feelings for humans and house cats and if he was devote to the clan or not.

Which I thought was reasonable, because Firepaw was born a house cat, and doesn't have wild cat blood.

Firepaw ran into his old house cat friend from when he was a kitten, and exchanged friendly conversation with Smudge.

Basically, in his encounter he discovers Smudge had been neutered
, and Firepaw was glad he left, because he only had one chance to follow his dreams and join the clan of wild cats, and he didn't want to be neutered.

This was a really well paced chapter, and a really good one.

Firepaw; once rusty the house cat really only had the motivation of becoming a wildcat because he dreamt that there was more to life then eating cat chow and being owned by his humans.

But the fact that he only had one chance to join the wild cats or forever be turned down, and that he didn't want to be neutered, is hit home when he see's Smudge and is filled with devotion to his clan knowing that he made the right choice, seeing how fat and docile Smudge had become.

Firepaw was reprimanded for contacting Smudge, and so he basically will have to cut ties with Smudge all together.

Which is sad, because he grew up with Smudge and might want to visit him on occasion.

Sometimes there are actions and decisions that can be supportive where you distance yourself from certain actions/behaviors/people.

For me I'm trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and although I haven't fully come to terms or resloved my relationship to smoking, spending time not smoking for a certain period of time can help me to see my relationship to smoking from another perspective, and could potentially be healthier for me, to support my body.

Or in spending time with people who do certain things I don't want to participate in, where I don't want to blame other's, or make them feel like I'm pushing them away, but taking myself out of an environment I'm not comfortable in, and spending time to focus on myself, can be supportive in certain instances.

In the same way that Firepaw knows he cannot be assossiating with Smudge now that Tigerpaw got him in trouble or doing so, and knowing he will be in even more trouble the next time he is caught visiting with Smudge, maybe Firepaw doesn't want to hurt Smudge's feelings.

Firepaw has to make the decision to stop Smudge even though it would make him happy to do so, because by the time he consequence's come around, he will regret his decision.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of something because I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do or not.

I'm life, one and equal, what's best for me?

Sometimes I'm not sure.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a decision to let something go, because I don't know if that's best or not.

I don't know, thus it's a gamble, and gambling isn't best for me.

Shutes and ladder, one step forward, two steps back.

Now I realize what's best for me.

Investing what I have, not gambling it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to gamble, at the chance to get ahead, at the risk of falling behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take risks, because I'm not satisfied with the life I'm living.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take risks to fulfill myself as gambling what I have, for something worth more, at the chance of losing what I have left.

You can take things step by step, or risk breaking your ankle running.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spontaneously take on risks in my life, before I have time to question what is safer, what is more beneficial, or why I have justified risk in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about taking risks in my life, instead of just letting go, and cashing out what's left on the table.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself about to or in the actions of taking a risk, as I realize regardless of my relationship to the risk, or how I have justified it, I can always muster the  courage, or a reason to stand down, and do something that's safer for me.

Warriors Into The Wild: Part One.

This is a book that I wanted to start with for my reading blog, because of how much power it holds over me.

It really was a book, and then a series of books worth living for back when I read them, and after reaching around page 60 so far in, with around 271 pages in total, it definitely is a very fulfilling book to me still.

So far, this is what is going on.

Rusty, a house cat, has always felt like there was more to life than the simple pleasures of a house cat life, although Rusty as far as I'm concerned is still a kitten, he wants to see what is beyond his fence.

One of his friends a neighbor cat, Smudge, warns Rusty of the dangerous wild cats that live out in the wilderness and recommends he does not cross the fence to explore the wild forest.

Rusty has had dreams of catching a mouse, and goes into the forest despite the warning's of his friend, and while chasing a mouse in the forest, he is ambushed.

An intense fight occurs between him and another cat his age.

Rusty initially flees, but realizes he has no choice to protect his life, but to face his assassin.

The entire situation ends up being a set up, where the kitten who ambushed Rusty, was sent by the kitten Greypaw's mentor, along with the leader of one of the wild cat clans of Thunderclan.

So the leader of ThunderClan realized that the clan needed more warriors to fight to protect there territory from the other clans seeking to take there food, she had noticed Rusty sitting on his fence gazing out to the wilderness for a long time, and sensed something within him, so she keeping an eye on him noticed when he finally left his safe haven to enter the wild, sent Greypaw to dually prove Greypaw another kitten apprentice learning to become a warrior, to fight Rusty, and see if Rusty has any constitution in battle.

Rusty because he faced his assassin, and also was observed close to catching his own mouse before attacked, had shown he was a worthy feline, and is invited to give up all of his 'kittypet' ways to join the wild cats, in Thunderclan.

So this is what he dreamed of his whole life, so with only mild reservations decides to take up the deal to give up his old life, and leaves the next mourning.

What happens next is him telling his tale to Smudge, and having to say goodbye, which to me was something I had to write out, because it struck me so hard then, and now, in just thinking again about the scene, which I wrote about in my other blog already.

It's actually a very shot scene and is pushed under the rug, rushed into the main arc of the story of Rusty becoming a warrior, but regardless it holds a lot of impact, even without establishing Rusty and Smudges relationship too much, you can tell for yourself, this is a sad parting ways scene, and is certainly meant to be.

So, Rusty is taken to the clan, they're not having it, but Bluestar the clan leader stands by her decesion to take him in, when challenged in front of the whole clan, Rusty fights a cat who insults him for being a weak house cat, and in this fight both loses his collar, and gains the respect of the majority of the clan, and from there is taken on as an apprentice, to train and live and eat with the other apprentices.

In skimming over a few things for today, the clan deputy is killed and a new deputy is chosen in Lionheart a weathered warrior.

Rusty is shown the borders of the 3 other clans and learns more about how the clans work, and how the clans meet to speak politics every month.

So basically that's the setup for the entire series, Rusty, now called Firepaw because of his Garfield colored pelt, is accepted as a clan cat, and the reader journies beside him as he learns first hand of the violence cats are willing to go to when short on food, how alliance, and borders mean nothing when prey is scarce, as well as learning about tradition and all the concepts he did not grow up with as a kitty pet.