Warrior's part 5

Shadow Clan showed it's true colors, by attacking ThunderClan in the middle of the night.

Some of the cats were also attacked by rats in the previous chapter.

There was also a journey to a special stone that allows for communication with the deceased, through visions.

I'm about two thirds into the book, so this appears to be the climax, a lot is happening and everything that has been building up through the different conflicts brewing has come to fruition.

Many cats have been gravely injured, I think one died, and one lost a life (The leaders of the clans are gifted with 9 lives, which is pretty funny.)

It makes me think about death, and loss, and tragedy.

How I can be working towards my goals in life, and how I can lose everything in death, in how after every hill lies another hill to climb.

It makes me wonder if I can make it or not, if something like some kind of disaster will befall me.

I feel defeated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forced to learn the hard way through falling to my lowest potential, before I realize the strength and inspiration to rise again.

I'm tired of constantly having to face this adversity in my life, I have the money and stature in what is supposed to be the greatest country ever, and I am not happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be deceived into believing that because I was born into money and stature that my life will consist only of petty conflicts, which may be true, but through my relationship to these conflicts accumulating, they have become manifested as my reality, they have become etched into my soul, and have become existential.

I have the money and power to make my life very difficult for myself, and I've succeeded in defeating myself again.

I relate my conflict to the cat's conflicts, because I just imagine, if those clans would just work together, there would be no conflict, that's what  blame in my life, if everyone else would just try to work together, this would all be over in a matter of
years, we would all come to unity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself out of blame of others for not creating the world I would like to see created.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defeat myself through the creation of conflict in relationship to external points as separation, where in rising above my conflict, I can feel like I'm rising above the points that were triggered and calculated to create the conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify being defeated so I can rise again, when this process makes me weaker through conflict and confusion of reality, and I could have simply chose the path of least resistance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to idolize conflict, when the world needs the strength to end conflict through real change, not to overcome conflict through blaming wrong during and suffering on conflict.

I commit myself to, stop, breathe, when and as I see myself creating conflicts to be overturned, as I realize this is not a strengthening action, I am creating artificial conflicts through reaction as blame, and as such am fighting my own creation, instead of creating a world that is better than what is here, I'm still spiteful of my burden, yet I've made my burden through my own will.

This is hell to be alive on earth. This cat novel really brings a lot out of me.