Warriors part 6

The fight at Thunderclan's base resulted in the death of the current deputy.

So, a new deputy was announced.

I've had some personal differences with the new deputy Tigerclaw, because I disagree with his behavior and the way he treats and trains his apprentice.

 Tigerclaw can be very aggressive with apprentice and with other's.

He is the one who tried to set Firepaw up to make him leave the camp.

I was conflicted because I understand that Tigerpaw needs to be tough to be a mentor, to be a warrior, to protect and serve his clan, but it always came off as a little arrogant, a little aggressive.

It turns out my gut was right, something is up with Tigerclaw, his apprentice knows something and has hinted that it is possible Tigerclaw let, or may have deliberately murdered a fellow clan mate.

Tigerclaw over heard his apprentice Ravenpaw telling Firepaw about what happened, but cut him short, and since then has been trying to implicate Ravenpaw in actions of which he has not been involved, (He's trying to make it seem like Ravenpaw set the clan up to be attacked by Shadowclan)

A lot of drama going on, but what I have been thinking about lately is what is it like for a cat to relax.

Cat's are always taking naps, and taking it easy, and grooming, they seem so relaxed.

Quite frankly, I want to relax just like my own cat (pudders.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not relax and be at ease at all times, even after spending time writing, investigating, and trying to direct myself to be relaxed and even sedated at times if needed.

 I'm really worked up already, I feel anger rising up in me, when I think about how much time and effort I've put into trying to figure my life out and get to a point where I can relax, and how not far I have come.

But, in my anger, I can see I'm limiting my relaxation to when I have achieved perfection and harmony in my mind and in my life.

I'm not able to direct myself to relax and be sedated and be at ease because within me I will only be relaxed as a cat once my life and mind are perfectly attuned and in balance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not relax and be at ease within my body at all times, because I've defined relaxation as not being the most efficient way of approaching and facing my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not allow myself to be relaxed as I walk my life and process day in and out because I'm not seeing and realizing what relaxation and being at ease can do to support me in walking my long hours at work, at facing my duties and responsibility at home in writing and chores and school work.

Returning again to the anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not being able to relax after all the time I've put into being relaxed, as I realize without proper self honesty, self forgiveness, and application, the time I've spent and how I've experienced my mind and body speaks for itself, I've been tormenting myself, all my life, and still, why would I be able to relax without facing first my resistance to relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define relaxation as an inhibitor, as I realize that it is my relationship and definition to relaxation as being an inhibitor of action that prevents me from being able to simultaneously be relaxed and comfortable and sedated, yet still focused and able to act in my world where needed.

I commit myself to stop, breathe, when and as I see myself defining relaxation as preventing me form being able to function and direct myself within my world, as I realize that relaxation and all the different calm and comfortable expressions available within myself can be supportive, and that relaxation is long over due for me, to the point where my resistance to relaxation is harming my physical expression.

I commit myself to be relaxed, sedated, calm, comfortable, numb, sleeping, until 11:00PM tomorrow, and I will be 10/10 on the chart of relaxation until that time, because relaxation is long over due for me, and I commit myself to do this and enforce this subliminally/unconsciously without direct participation because even having to directly try to relax is stressful, because I'm so resistant to relaxation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist relaxation.